So I moved in October. My boyfriend did not. Because he doesn't do change. Only now he's talking about moving in and I find that I don't want him to. He works later than me and wakes me up when he gets home. And tends to play video games half the night with online friends, which also keeps me up.

And I don't miss that. I like having my space and knowing the only thing that will wake me up during the night is my cats.

I've never really lived alone and I like it.

My other problem is that there is a promotion I want to go for at work. Which I'm not eligible for if we're dating. Which are we really dating anymore? We barely see each other outside of work, we hardly talk, we don't currently live together. I don't miss any of it. I like being just me and my cats.

Breaking up with someone on the off chance of a promotion is not the thing to do. But when added with everything else, it just seems like it may be the right thing for me.

We've been together a while now, and I know he's probably still very hung up on me. But I find that I don't miss any of the things about being in a live-in relationship. Or any sort of romantic entanglement at all. This is something that's been coming for a while I think, but being alone made it much clearer.

He's a great guy, and if I break up with him he will be devastated. And I will feel like an asshole. But I don't think I want to let this linger either. I won't be happy if he moves in, I'm not even sure he'll be happy if he moves in. He's lived on the same road his whole life and only originally considered moving because we were going to rebuild out there. But I like the house I'm in.

(My mom owns it, I'm going to buy it off her.)

It is so easy to take to the blank face of the internet. Or two of the few people I've talked about it with in person, but the idea of actually sitting down and having this conversation is nerve-racking. And makes me feel a little ill.

Argh why is this all so hard?